Health Kick In The Head
by Red Witch
Summary: The gang decides to try to live a healthier lifestyle. Naturally Krieger sees this as a business opportunity.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is at the gym. Just some more madness from my tiny little mind**.

 **Health Kick In The Head **

"So why can't we eat Caesar salads again?" Cheryl asked as several members of the Figgis Agency lounged about in the bullpen. "Is it a protest thing or…?"

"Because there's another e-coli outbreak," Pam explained as she leafed through a magazine.

" **Another** one?" Cheryl asked. "Wasn't there like one long one already?"

"Actually, there were **two** different outbreaks," Krieger explained. "But they were close together so…Hang on…Was it actually **three?** "

"Another reason why I never eat salad at lunch," Pam grinned.

"Yeah," Ray looked at her. " **That's** the reason!"

"Shut up, Bitch-En-Stein's Bitch," Pam snapped. "Don't come whining to me if your bionic ass gets poisoned."

"Pam," Krieger looked at her. "You've had more food poisoning incidents than most of my lab rats. And that's not exactly a low number."

"But I've never had e-coli poisoning from lettuce," Pam told him. "That's a major thing."

"So are heart attacks," Ray added as he reached for a cigarette. "And diabetes."

"Uh and this new thing called cancer," Pam looked at Ray.

"Let's be honest here," Krieger admitted. "None of us exactly have the healthiest lifestyle."

"What do you mean?" Cheryl asked. "I'm very healthy!"

"Cheryl," Ray looked at her. "You live almost exclusively on a diet of alcohol, glue and drugged up gummy bears."

"And I have the occasional salad," Cheryl challenged. "Oh wait, I can't eat that anymore. You have a point."

"So, what **can** we do to get healthier?" Ray asked. "Besides you know? Giving up stuff we actually like and exercising."

"There's a study here saying having sex once a week increases your life span," Pam read. "God Damn. No wonder Archer looks so good even in coma."

"He must have enough reserve for at least another six months," Ray mused. "I admit that's a fun exercise regimen."

"Agreed," Krieger said. "But we're going to have to do something a little different than that. I'm not saying completely take sex off the table…"

"Oh yeah I get it," Cheryl nodded. "I mean we can still have sex on the table."

"Or in the breakroom," Pam added. "Back seat of a car…"

"Men's restroom at Pita Margaritas," Ray added.

"You're saying we should do something other than sex for variety," Cheryl added.

"Exactly," Krieger said. "But I have an idea in mind to get healthy and get rich at the same time."

"We become prostitutes?" Cheryl asked. Everyone looked at her. "What?"

Later that day…

"I know I shouldn't ask," Lana sighed as she and Cyril walked into the breakroom. "But I have to ask. What the hell are you doing?"

Pam, Ray, Cheryl and Krieger were all wearing aerobics outfits. Krieger was making some kind of a concoction with a blender and making smoothies. "We've all decided to get healthy!" Pam explained.

"Because the stupid romaine lettuce has turned on us and is now trying to kill us with e-coli," Cheryl added.

"I've always said," Pam told her. "Never trust a salad."

"She has a point," Ray admitted.

"So, you are all going to stop drinking and doing drugs and get decent exercise?" Lana asked. "And even as I asked the question…I realized that was **not** going to happen."

"It wasn't," Pam said.

"Then what exactly is your plan to get healthy?" Cyril asked.

"Health drinks, duh!" Cheryl told her as she held up a glass full of something red.

"I call it Krieger-Aide!" Krieger grinned. "Or K-Aide!"

"You might want to rethink that other name," Ray said. "Branding issue…"

"Oh right," Krieger blinked. "The last thing I want my drink to be associated with is Jonestown!"

Cyril looked at him. "Especially when the authorities will have plenty of their own reasons to investigate you."

"Oh please," Krieger waved. "The Food and Drug administration has a backlog of products they should test going back decades. There are tons of vitamins being sold out there that should have been investigated that are still being sold. And half of them are little more than glorified sugar pills."

"You have a point," Lana admitted.

"I mean look at all those so-called healthy drinks and diet sodas out there," Krieger said. "Most of them are filled with chemicals. And nobody says anything about it. All we need is a catchy name and we're good to go."

"How about K-Pop?" Cheryl suggested.

"Someone else has that actually," Pam said. "How about K-Juice? If we're going to market this…"

" **Of course** you are," Cyril interrupted.

"This is going to end up like Krieger Springs isn't it?" Lana groaned.

"More like Krieger Valley," Cyril groaned.

"It's made with all kinds of healthy ingredients," Krieger poured some glasses of red juice. "Try it! I made enough for everyone!"

"Uh I think one of us should not take a sip," Lana said. "Just in case someone needs to call poison control."

"Good idea…" Cyril paused.

"Not it!" Lana said quickly.

"Damn it!" Cyril groaned.

"Bottoms up!" Krieger grinned as he took a drink. "Ah! Feel the burn!"

"Oooh! We get to burn?" Cheryl giggled as she took a drink. "Meh…"

"This isn't half bad," Cyril blinked after he took a drink. "It actually tastes good."

"I don't think my brain cells are exploding," Ray paused in his drinking. He drank again. "This shit actually tastes healthy. But good!"

"That's because it **is** healthy!" Krieger said. "And good for you! I used all-natural ingredients and removed all the sugar and replaced it with a harmless substitute."

"What kind of harmless substitute?" Lana asked.

"Doesn't matter," Krieger shrugged.

"Kind of does," Lana paused.

"We'll be fine," Krieger said. "You'll see…"

Thirty minutes later…

"You **are** fine," Lana noticed as the group was relaxing in the bullpen. "None of you are drunk, passed out or dead. After thirty minutes. That's a record for this group."

"I know," Cheryl was working with some papers. "I actually feel energetic! I'm actually filing papers!"

"Cheryl," Ray looked at them. "They're blank."

"So is her brain," Pam said. "Come on! The fact that she's filing **any** papers at all is a step up for her!"

"Maybe this **is** safe to drink?" Lana took a small glass and drank it. "It actually tastes good!"

"And it's good **for you!"** Krieger stood up. "Now I'm going to go into my lab! There's a backlog of work I need to do! Those mutant cockroaches and robot mice won't dissect themselves! Or **can** they?" He left with a cackle.

"I'm going to go file more papers! Whoo hoo!" Cheryl skipped away energetically.

"I'm gonna go run to Long Beach and check out the Men's bodybuilding competition!" Ray grinned as he zipped off using his bionic legs.

"Oh, so it takes about **thirty-one** to **thirty-two minutes** to kick in," Lana realized. "Ohhh…" She looked at her empty glass. "Uh oh…"

"Please," Pam waved. "We've had more of a buzz on three cups of coffee."

"Usually the coffee has shots of bourbon in it," Cyril remarked. "But you have a point. Suddenly I feel like doing some accounting stuff and work!" He got up and left energetically.

"Nothing unusual there," Lana remarked. "This is pretty mild compared to some of the other shit Krieger's made."

"Which means we can market it!" Pam grinned. "I'm gonna go work on the commercial."

"How are we going to market it?" Lana asked. "What store is going to take our drink made in a basement lab?"

"Who needs **stores** anymore?" Pam snorted as she went off.

"Oh God…" Realization hit Lana. "They wouldn't…."

The following night…

"Welcome to the K-Juice Power Half Hour!" Krieger grinned as he stood behind a table full of bottles of K-Juice.

"They did…" Lana groaned. She and Ron were watching on the couch in her apartment.

"And people say there's nothing good on TV anymore," Ron quipped.

"Tired of ordinary juices not doing it for you anymore?" Krieger asked. "K-Juice will do it all! With half the calories and none of the sugar! And with a taste you can't beat! Our lab rats can't get enough of it!"

"I can't believe they did another one," Lana sighed.

"I can't believe the station let them back after the fire they caused," Ron remarked.

"Apparently, it's new management," Lana said. "And the old owners didn't tell the new owners exactly how the last fire started."

"Ah," Ron nodded. "That makes sense."

"Well at least **something** makes sense," Lana pointed to the TV. "Unlike **that.** "

Cheryl was on the screen with Krieger. "And here with me is Cheryl Tunt! Our very own spokesmodel! Cheryl why don't you tell the good people out there how healthy this product is?"

"Oh, it's very healthy," Cheryl nodded. "And it almost gives me a good a buzz as when I'm sniffing glue!"

"Oh, we are so going to get letters," Lana sighed.

"It's healthier than a lot of foods," Cheryl went on. She frowned. "Like Romaine lettuce. Stupid lettuce! They said Romaine lettuce was healthy! But nooo! It's a big fat **lie**!"

"You can see why I didn't want to go on this right?" Lana asked.

"Healthy my ass!" Cheryl snapped. "Who wants to die from a **salad**? Pam's right! It's better to be fat and healthy than to get your ass kicked by a salad!"

"Pretty smart call," Ron admitted.

"WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO US ROMAINE LETTUCE?" Cheryl screamed. "We trusted you! We **loved** you! Why? Why? WHY?"

"Why are we watching this again?" Lana sighed.

"Eh, beats watching reruns," Ron shrugged.

"Well here's a newsflash Romaine Lettuce!" Cheryl shouted. "I'm leaving you for K-Juice! How about **those apples**?"

"Coincidentally," Krieger shoved Cheryl aside. "There **are** apples in K-Juice! And spinach! And several other healthy foods!"

"But no Romaine lettuce, right?" Cheryl asked.

"Oh God no," Krieger shook his head.

"I can't believe you went along with this," Ron said to Lana. "You say you actually **drank** Krieger's cockamamie juice?"

"It wasn't that bad," Lana shrugged. "I mean it's no more of a buzz than I get from two or three triple mocha lattes. But for Krieger that's mild."

"Does Mallory know about this?" Ron asked her.

"I'm pretty sure she doesn't," Lana sighed. "She's not exactly a hundred percent focused on the agency lately."

"Goodbye Romaine Lettuce!" Cheryl cackled as she took a head of lettuce and set fire to it with a lighter. "Who needs **you**?"

"Which isn't always a good thing," Lana sighed.

"BURN! BURN! BURN!" Cheryl laughed as she threw the lettuce on the table. "HA HA! HA!"

"CHERYL NO!" Krieger screamed as the table caught on fire.

"YOU'RE BURING THE PRODUCT FLAME FOR BRAINS!" Pam was heard off camera.

"GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHERS!" Ray was heard off camera. "GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHERS!"

"HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!" Cheryl laughed as the set burned.

"HOW MANY DAMN TIMES DO WE HAVE TO TELL YOU TO NOT BURN A STUDIO YOU CRAZY…?" Cyril's voice was heard.

Right before the feed was cut. A cartoon picture of a glowing Piggly eating some wires was shown with the words _We are experiencing technical difficulties_ below.

"Is it weird that I'm getting used to stuff like this happening?" Ron sighed.

"With this group," Lana sighed. "It would be weirder if you weren't."

The following day at the Figgis Agency…

"How are we not being sued by a fire Cheryl caused?" Lana asked Pam as they walked in a hallway.

"Remember I told you the TV station had new owners?" Pam said. "Guess who it was?"

"You mean…?" Lana did a double take.

"Yup," Pam nodded. "And guess which agency she got to certify that the fire was caused by faulty equipment?"

"For how much?" Lana asked.

"Twenty-five grand," Pam shrugged. "We're already making money."

They entered a room where Krieger, Cyril and Ray were packaging bottles. "And we're going to make more," Cyril said as he worked.

"People are actually **buying** this?" Lana was stunned.

"Lana, people buy **cigarettes,** " Pam looked at her. "A product proven to give people cancer and can kill them. And a ton of other illegal shit on the streets."

"Point taken," Lana sighed.

"At least K-Juice is healthy," Pam pointed out.

"Relatively," Krieger nodded.

"What exactly does **that** mean?" Lana looked at him.

"Uhhh…." Krieger paused. "Nothing."

"Should we ask?" Cyril asked Ray.

"No," Ray sighed as he worked. "I want to be surprised at the arraignment."

"Here's a surprise," Cyril noticed the labels. "Krieger this isn't our office address."

"I know," Krieger said. "I've learned over the years it's usually safe to cover our tracks."

"I should say something or do something…" Lana sighed. "But honestly this group has done worse. I mean it's not even cocaine. It's not cocaine is it?"

"No," Krieger shook his head. "I didn't want to chance Pam drinking up all our product. Again. PAM!"

"What?" Pam was chugging down a bottle.

"Who are you selling this to anyway?" Lana asked Krieger.

"What do you care?" Pam asked.

"I don't want some kids drinking K-Juice and going crazy," Lana said. "Or getting high or…Whatever."

"Don't worry about it," Krieger waved. "And for the record I agree with you about marketing to kids."

"Yeah he prefers drugging adults," Ray quipped.

"Exactly," Krieger nodded. "Don't worry about it."

"Here's the thing," Lana said. "When people say ' _don't worry about it.'_ That's when most people **start** to worry about it."

"Oh my God!" Pam groaned. "Give it a rest Worrier Woman! It'll be fine!"

Two days later…

"A new craze has hit Los Angeles," Darlene Love, the African American reporter for Jaguar news was on camera in a park. "They call it Juicing Up. Or Riding the K. Or simply just K'N. But whatever it's called, this new drug has taken LA by storm. And while it is technically legal for now, authorities say this new drug which comes in the form called K-Juice should be banned."

The Figgis Agency was watching the news in the bullpen. "This is _fine_ huh?" Lana looked at Pam.

"On the surface, K-Juice seems like dozens of other so-called health food drinks," Darlene reported. "But it gives a high dose of natural steroids and caffeine that the user gets an instant high and remains high for longer periods of time. And this drug isn't found on the streets…"

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!" An old man skated by on a skateboard.

"It's found at the Shady Pines Nursing home," Darlene finished. "And distributed there to other senior citizens!"

"WHAT?" Everyone turned and looked at Krieger.

"Well you gotta admit," Krieger shrugged. "It's a very viable market."

"YOUNG PEOPLE SUCK!" An older man shouted from behind Darlene. His old friends behind him cheered.

"Good news Lana," Ray sighed. "This was definitely **not** marketed to kids."

"COWABUNGA!" Ron whooped as he was seen skateboarding behind Darlene.

"You gave K-Juice to **Ron?"** Lana asked Krieger.

"He was interested in sampling the product as a potential investor," Krieger admitted.

"I NEVER FELT SO ALIVE!" Ron cheered as he skated.

CRASH!

"Oww…." Ron lay there where he crashed into some garbage cans. "That's gonna bite me in the ass when the buzz wears off."

"I think he'd be better off investing in hospital supplies," Ray remarked.

"Apparently K-Juice not only has an intoxicating effect," Darlene groaned. "It also makes people reckless."

"No kidding," Lana groaned as images of intoxicated seniors riding on either skateboards or Segways were shown.

"That's going to be us in about forty or fifty years," Ray groaned.

"Oh yeah," Pam nodded. "I can see that."

"Really?" Cheryl snorted. "Some of you think you're going to last **that long?"**

"Look who's **talking!"** Ray snapped. "Choker Face!"

"Seriously," Pam said. "You're not gonna make it to forty if you don't lay off the glue and the groovy bears. And the LSD breath strips. And whatever pills you just happen to find on the floor."

"I've already given up salad!" Cheryl snapped. "What more do you want from me?"

"Honestly this isn't that bad," Cyril sighed. "At least there aren't any fires and serious mayhem."

"I've just received word that there is a disturbance at the Shady Pines retirement community center," Darlene reported as she listened in on her earpiece. "We go live to our roving reporter Hector Ramirez…Seriously? That guy is **still working**? How did he get a job at **this network**? _Seriously_? Yes, I know its ratings season but still…I don't think this is going to bring over **that** many people from other networks. Half the people who watch this network don't even **know him**!"

"I **know** him," Ray groaned. "The man makes Roland Hedley Jr. look like a serious journalist."

"This is Hector Ramirez," An older man with black hair and a swarthy mustache reported. "At the Shady Pines Retirement Community Center. Where the residents and visitors alike are protesting the abrupt stoppage of distribution and sales of K-Juice."

"GIVE US OUR JUICE YOU WHIPPERSNAPPERS!" An old woman was heard from inside the building. "OR ELSE I'LL OPEN UP A CAN OF WHOOP ASS!"

"THAT'S IT! YOU'VE DONE IT NOW!" An older man was heard.

FOOOM!

A fire burst out of the window of the building behind them. Hector reported. "Apparently the residents and other members of the elderly community are quite upset."

"ANARCHY NOW!" An older woman cackled.

"Oh my God!" Lana gasped.

"EEEEEEE!" Cheryl jumped up and down in her seat.

" **There's** the fire and mayhem," Cyril groaned.

The following day…

"Well this has been a complete and total disaster!" Cyril shouted at his staff.

"I told you this was a stupid idea," Lana said.

"I **know** Lana!" Cyril groaned. "Great! Now we have to listen to I Told You So Kane all week because our product inspired several senior citizens to riot and burn down part of a rest home!"

"It's kind of funny if you think about it," Pam snickered.

"Pam," Cyril looked at her. "Fifty-seven people ended up in the hospital because of that stupid juice!"

"Okay I admit that's less funny," Pam winced.

"I don't know…" Cheryl shrugged. "Still funny to me. What?"

"About twenty people had heart palpitations," Cyril groaned. "Twelve had injuries due to the nursing home riot. And the rest…Well let's just say they were all male and had the same problem…Getting down."

"You mean…?" Lana did a double take.

"It was like the first weeks Viagra was sold to the public all over again," Krieger nodded. "Some of the same patients ironically…"

"Bow, chicka wow wow!" Pam whooped. "I tell you I can't wait until I'm in a nursing home!"

"Again," Cheryl said. "You think you're going to **live** that long?"

"Well the good news is that nobody died," Krieger said. "So for me this is a huge improvement!"

"That is good news!" Pam said.

"You do know how the whole Good News/Bad News thing goes right?" Lana sighed. "What's the bad news Krieger?"

"Do you remember when I told you that the Food and Drug industry had a backlog of products they investigate?" Krieger asked.

"Yes," Cyril said.

"We jumped to the top of the list," Krieger told him. "Rather rapidly I might add."

"Of course, we did," Cyril groaned. "Oh, and on another note, we're being sued by the Romaine Lettuce grocers of America Association. But since they are in the middle of an e-coli scare I'm pretty sure we get it thrown out of court."

"Are you saying…" Cheryl paused. "You can poison and drug people all you want, just don't interfere with their boners?"

"Apparently that is the line to cross," Cyril sighed. "Well that and the head of the Food and Drug Association's father was part of the riots. And was caught in an extremely compromising position with his nurse. Long story short…"

"Too late," Pam added.

Cyril went on. "K-Juice is now the latest in a long, long, long line of money-making schemes that have both literally and figuratively backfired on us. We are now out of the health drink business! Some would argue that we had **no business** dealing health drinks in the **first place!** "

"Hey we're still doing well in Kriegtopia," Krieger said. "None of them had any reactions to the juice!"

"Of course, they aren't having any reactions!" Pam snapped. "They're mutants! Shit like this won't affect them!"

"Hang on," Ray blinked. "We all drank that K-Juice. How come we weren't affected?"

"Because we've all had so many weird combinations of drugs over the years, we've got a high tolerance level!" Cyril snapped.

"At least nobody died," Ray pointed out.

"Not **yet** ," Cyril groaned. "I can just imagine what will happen once the fees and lawsuits start arriving on our doorstep! Ms. Archer really will burn the place down!"

"YAY!" Cheryl cheered.

"With our bullet riddled corpses in it!" Cyril snapped. "Not yay! That's a **bad** thing Cheryl! A bad, bad, bad thing!"

"Good thing I used a fake address," Krieger said. "That way they won't track us to the Figgis Agency."

"Which address did you give?" Lana asked.

"Well…" Krieger paused.

Meanwhile across town…

"This is Hector Ramirez," The reporter from Jaguar News stood in front of a familiar looking house. "With the FDA's special task force to take out the makers of K-Juice. At 4220 Arroyo Canyon Road just outside of Los Angeles."

Back at the Figgis Agency the gang was watching on TV. "Isn't that…?" Pam realized.

"Yup," Krieger nodded. "That address was the decoy."

"Good call," Ray blinked.

"GO! GO! GO!" The head of the task force which looked more like a SWAT team burst into the house.

BARK! BARK! BARK!

"AAAAHHHH!" Hector screamed as he ran from two familiar looking dogs.

"Oh, he still has the dogs," Ray said.

"I also sent a few bottles over there," Krieger added as they watched the mayhem on TV. "By drone. In case the cops wanted to raid the joint, they'd find evidence."

"Wow," Ray blinked. "You really did think ahead on this one Krieger."

"Well if Shapiro wasn't wanted by the cops before," Cyril remarked. "He certainly is now."

"Eh, I'm good with that," Lana nodded. "Who wants to go for a drink?"

Everyone looked at Lana. "What?" Lana asked.


End file.
